I’ve been having serious issues with writing this year. . . last year I had over a quarter of a million words written, but this year I can barely get ten thousand a month. I could get through Camp NaNo in April.
I know I want to write. . . screw it, I need to write. I just feel like my muses went on a long vacation, and my character will not talk directly to me. They only talk when my muses are around; it’s like they need the middle man to tell their stories.
Maybe I need more or new inspiration. . .
Maybe I need a vacation (laughs).
Maybe I just need the right song. . .
Whatever it is I hope it comes back in November.
It’s crazy I have all of these ideas stuck in my head, and yet I can’t not get them out. . . it’s like they are in suspended animation. However I did notice if an idea slips out that I am usually at my busiest moment. . . always happens. (I’m trying to stay busy. . . sometimes so busy I cannot write.)
I feel like my brain is a dusty attic where the light only works when it wants to, and everything is in boxes covered with at least an inch of dust and cobwebs. I need to get inspired. . . fix the damn light and clean the dust and cobwebs. But how?
I hope my brain gets more active before and during NaNoWriMo. That is why I am writing prompts. . . on my other account http://Rebekah1213.wordpress.com
The Good news is that I just finished editing one of my novella Driving Lies: Novella 1, and I hope to have Melzela corrected. This means I should have both of them on Amazon by July or August. It just depends on my motivation.
Speaking of motivation. . . it has been hard to maintain my motivation. I have serious depression, but I know if I go to a shrink that they will shove some damn pills down my throat. I know those pills will make me go one of two ways. . . they will numb me and silence my muse, which will make me go crazy, or they will emphasis my negative thoughts and make me worst than I am now. (Now come to think of it, both paths pretty much lead to a bad place.) My writing is the biggest release, so if I lost it, I would not want to live with me.
Writing with depression can be a pain. . . there are some days where I have 50 billion ideas stuck in my head, but I have no motivation to get to my computer and type. There are days where I look at my editing or a blank page and want to cry. There are days where everything distracts me and I get maybe a sentence or if I am really lucky a paragraph written. (Like today. . . I’m totally distracted.)
There are times where the demons in my head tell me:
“What is the point? You won’t finish your series and if you do it’s not good enough to be mainstream published?”
“You’re just not good enough, not unique enough.”
These “demons” can be louder than my muses, than my characters. One of them create red marks on story ideas that I haven’t thought to put to paper or screen yet. I just need to get these damned bitter demons out of my head. The worst part about it is that stress, worry, and frustration just make them stronger. I should write about them, but I am juist distracted again, damnit!
Okay, I wanted to publish this blog yesterday, but obliviously that did not happen. (Damn distaractions. Then once I finished with the distractions and made dinner. . . I passed out, exhausted.) It’s some of their ammo. . . distractions and depression. I need to find a way to destroy these both. . . any ideas?